home | articles | fictions | poetry | images | audio & video | shop | bio | contact

Friday, June 02, 2006

Chat with Attack Cat

Sometimes I talk to my friend Attack Cat.

Sometimes he even talks back.

(CAUTION: the following contains a great deal of language unsuitable for children under 16, adults over 60, and people who can't stand it when other people do things. It will also most certainly be offensive to the minority populations of North America, and even more offensive to Whitey)

rabbit + crow: (my wife), she done went to Boston this weekend for to interview for an England job.
rabbit + crow:
She interviewed for it, this job.
rabbit + crow:
They offered her the job.

Attack Cat:
Attack Cat:
en Londres?

rabbit + crow:
Si. In Londres.

Attack Cat:
When does she start?

rabbit + crow:
She will start up that motherfucker in (insert your favorite month here).
rabbit + crow:
I would then probably go over there in (insert your other favorite month here).

Attack Cat:
Attack Cat:
Are they paying for the move?

rabbit + crow:
It's some totally cool shit.
rabbit + crow:
But totally scary.
rabbit + crow:
They are only paying for her ticket.

Attack Cat:
Well, you'll arrive just in time to freeze your nuts off.

rabbit + crow:
And then they'll put us up while we’re looking for digs.

Attack Cat:
not a moving expense?
Attack Cat: that sucks
Attack Cat: but still cool

rabbit + crow: Do they use liquid nitrogen for that nuts freezing thing?

Attack Cat: Too bad you can't move into the old family residence.

rabbit + crow: I know. That would be very very great.

Attack Cat: No, they just use the regular British air.

rabbit + crow: So they'll do it on the plane, then?

Attack Cat: No, British air, not British Air.

rabbit + crow: I flew Jet Blue for that one time.
rabbit + crow: You know what I got?

Attack Cat: a bag of blue potato chips?

rabbit + crow: No.
rabbit + crow: Blue balls.

Attack Cat: Were they just to keep you occupied during the flight? Like crayons?

rabbit + crow: Yeah. But the fucking teases. They wouldn't let me finish.
rabbit + crow: Anyway...
rabbit + crow: Very fucking exciting.
rabbit + crow: I've always enjoyed swearing in type.
rabbit + crow: Fucking fuck fucks.

Attack Cat: Damn...
Attack Cat: that means no free Motion Picture Academy screenings anymore.
Attack Cat: I'm going to have to pay for quality movies?

rabbit + crow: I know.

Attack Cat: ...but on the upside, I get to save money on a birthday present for you this year.

rabbit + crow: yes.
rabbit + crow: Wait. What does that mean?
rabbit + crow: You're going to spend more, because you're going to have to FedEx that motherfucker to London!

Attack Cat: Maybe I'll record you a very special birthday greeting and then email it to you...
Attack Cat: for free!

rabbit + crow: Thanks.
rabbit + crow: Hey, you should get an iSight or some camera shit.
rabbit + crow: Fucking shit.
rabbit + crow: Shitty camera shit. Damn shit.
rabbit + crow: I think I've got IM Tourette Syndrome.

Attack Cat: you know what I look like already...
Attack Cat: I'll email you a picture and then IM you.

rabbit + crow: Good thinking.
rabbit + crow: Better yet. Don't bother. I'll just draw a picture of you from memory and use that for reference.

Attack Cat: perfect

rabbit + crow: "How's that eye on your chin doing? Has that cleared up at all?"

Attack Cat: it's festering

rabbit + crow: "Yeah. It looks like it's fading too. I'd better take you out of the sun. Sorry about the thumbtack hole through your head."

Attack Cat: what part of town is the job?
Attack Cat: (Wife’s) job.

rabbit + crow: It's in (part of London where they make the comedies).
rabbit + crow: Where they make the comedies.

Attack Cat: I bet the job will be hilarious.

rabbit + crow: She will be workign with the children.

Attack Cat: kids are a riot.

rabbit + crow: In England apparently you can still be a child ward of the state until you're 23 as long as you keep going to school.
rabbit + crow: Which is kind of cool.

Attack Cat: ...and lazy
Attack Cat: once you graduate you go right on the dole?

rabbit + crow: Yeah. The "turn 18 and good luck" thing we have going here seems to be working very well.
rabbit + crow: I guess. The idea would be that if you had the education you could cash in for a bigger paycheck and not have to go on the dole.

Attack Cat: well, kids in orphanages are pretty much fucked regardless of when they're released on the world

rabbit + crow: That's true.

Attack Cat: not that I was an orphan, but by the time I was 23 I'd already had several jobs...
Attack Cat: do they make these kids work at all?

rabbit + crow: They make them watch British television.

Attack Cat: that's more like torture than work

rabbit + crow: It prepares them for life.
rabbit + crow: You couldn't pay me to get a job until I was forced out of college.
rabbit + crow: Well, no. I had a summer job that one time.
rabbit + crow: I worked for an attack dog trainer.
rabbit + crow: It was cheaper to hire me than to keep replacing the foam dummy every week.

Attack Cat: speaking of that...
Attack Cat: what are you going to do?
Attack Cat: get on the dole?

rabbit + crow: I needs to get a job.
rabbit + crow: Some kind of a writing job.
rabbit + crow: Or the British Film Institute?
rabbit + crow: (The place where they make the comedies) is where a couple studios and the BBC are...is.
rabbit + crow: Ideally I'd get a good writing job here in L.A. this year that would carry us over

Attack Cat: sit around a smoke fags and complain that the government's not paying you enough to not work
Attack Cat: you should get a shitty job waiting tables and then write in your off time
Attack Cat: or maybe a weighty job shitting tables

rabbit + crow: I would like to write. Someday I hope to be a writer.
rabbit + crow: Perhaps I could wait tables and say to people:
rabbit + crow: “Someday I hope to move to Hollywood and make in the movies!”

Attack Cat: if you get a job that pays the bills you'll get fat and complacent
Attack Cat: and never write again
Attack Cat: except in your blog...
Attack Cat: about how you're fat and complacent

rabbit + crow: Exactly.
rabbit + crow: I'm going to tell that to (Wife):
rabbit + crow: “(Wife), if I get a job that pays the bills I'm going to get fat and complacent!
rabbit + crow: SLAP!!
rabbit + crow: “Ow.”

Attack Cat: you need enough just to scrape by...
Attack Cat: you'll have to stuff pages from the Guardian into your shoes to fill the holes...
Attack Cat: you may have to do a little begging in the streets...

rabbit + crow: Maybe I could busk.

Attack Cat: dressed as a 18th Century urchin
Attack Cat: yes, you could busk a podcast
Attack Cat: live podcasting!

rabbit + crow: Hey that's a strange and interesting idea.
rabbit + crow: I think.
rabbit + crow: Or something.

Attack Cat: you could go down to Speaker's Corner and do Soap Box of the Imagination...
Attack Cat: ...and record it...
Attack Cat: and then podcast it...

rabbit + crow: Nice.

Attack Cat: and hold up a sign with your URL, so people wouldn't have to stand around and listen to all that nonsense in person...
Attack Cat: but could do it later on The Tube via their iPod
Attack Cat: ...and you need to get a footsteps sound effect

rabbit + crow: I have a bad leafy footsteps sound effect that is, I'm sure, someone putting their hands rhythmically into a big bowl of potato chips - or crips.
rabbit + crow: Crisps.

Attack Cat: yeah, the Crips don't play that shit, homie.
Attack Cat: you need to put some sand in your bath tub and then record some steps for your bit set in the cave

rabbit + crow: (WIFE): "Why is their fucking sand in the fucking bath!"
rabbit + crow: NEAL: "It's for the cave. For the CAVE!!!"

Attack Cat: "Rob told me to do it!"
Attack Cat: I just typed the address "6 Via Vaqueera"
Attack Cat: instead of "Via Vaquera"

rabbit + crow: (WIFE): "Do you do everything Rob tells you to do?"

Attack Cat: very different

rabbit + crow: NEAL: "I try to."

Attack Cat: "Try not. Do, or do not"

rabbit + crow: Are you saying I should stay in L.A. and complete my training?

Attack Cat: no, you must go to the Parlimentary System...
Attack Cat: sp?

rabbit + crow: But what about the three branches of gov't. And checks and balances. And the first amendment?

Attack Cat: No such thing.

rabbit + crow: Drat.

Attack Cat: You have permission to speak freely...
Attack Cat: but they may revoke it at any time.

rabbit + crow: I'm going to go eat a cheeseburger.
rabbit + crow: They were invented in the German town of Cheeseburg.

Attack Cat: Not in England you won't
Attack Cat: You'll have a beefburger with cheese and you'll like it...

rabbit + crow: No. They only have Mad Beef Burgers.

Attack Cat: but soon you'll forget it as the BSE nibbles on your brain.

rabbit + crow: If we stayed in L.A., I would buy a Toyota Prion.

Attack Cat: that's good for the environment...
Attack Cat: and has driver stabilization...
Attack Cat: for when the seizures start

rabbit + crow: You also get a little drool bucket that hangs from your neck.
rabbit + crow: Okay. I'm going to get that cheeseburger.
rabbit + crow: Mind if I post this conversation as an official rabbit + crow “Conversation with Attack Cat”?

Attack Cat: Which part?

rabbit + crow: I'll change the --------‘s to “Attack Cat”.
rabbit + crow: Just the good parts - i.e. The Whole Thing.
rabbit + crow: Cause it's all so damn good.

Attack Cat: just correct the spelling so as not to make me look as stupid as I am

rabbit + crow: Damned good.

Attack Cat: but don't print that last part...
Attack Cat: where I point out that I'm stupid.

rabbit + crow: Not only will I correct the spelling. But I will IMPROVE the spelling, so you look even smarter than the Dictionary!!

Attack Cat: changing "color" to "colour" for your English readers

rabbit + crow: Isn't that a Karl Rove strategy though?
rabbit + crow: Emphasize and claim your weaknesses before you opponents do?
rabbit + crow: And it's working out really well for him.

Attack Cat: that's my strategy, not Rove's
Attack Cat: ...and take out any part where I write "nigger"

rabbit + crow: Actually, I was going to do a "find/replace" and replace every single noun with a random racial slur.

Attack Cat: nice
Attack Cat: that might make it funnier
Attack Cat: like a MadLibs

rabbit + crow: So that last sentence would read "Take out any chink, where I write nip."
rabbit + crow: and...
rabbit + crow: "That's my mick, not Tar Baby's."
rabbit + crow: Alright. I'm going out to get that wopburger.

Attack Cat: Now THAT's Italian!

rabbit + crow: So long, honky.

Attack Cat: Word

rabbit + crow: But seriously, can I post it?
rabbit + crow: I mean: Can I post frog?

Attack Cat: if you really want.

rabbit + crow: Or rather: Can redneck post frog?
rabbit + crow: Pollack really want to.

Attack Cat: You should read it in two distinct funny voices for a podcast

rabbit + crow: Is "hillbilly" a racial slur?
rabbit + crow: Or is it just a sub-type of human?
rabbit + crow: Like Neanderthal.
rabbit + crow: Alright. Seriously. I'm going now to get that cheesekraut.
rabbit + crow: Mmmh. Delicious oniony cheesekraut.

Attack Cat went away at 1:39:41 PM.

| More


Wow so its happening! Really real and shit. Like "here's what we talked about and it always sounded cool and everybody thought it would be a great idea, but mother of God we are actually doing it" happening. Brilliant!

As for the whole never write again thing, you haven't quit yet and your not dead, so that makes you a writer in my book. (Granted that book is a sold out for money and family still working on a novel 16 years later romance novel in the remainder section so take it with a grain)

Now just don't knock her up this week.

- By Anonymous Art, at Mon Jun 05, 03:21:00 AM GMT+1  

Your are Excellent. And so is your site! Keep up the good work. Bookmarked.

- By Anonymous Anonymous, at Sat Jul 22, 01:21:00 PM GMT+1  

Your Comment?