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Thursday, June 22, 2006

Solstice Tips For Vampires

Today is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. There are more hours of daylight today than on any other day. This phenomenon is caused by the sun's swelling to more than seven times its normal circumference. The resulting increase in electromagnetic output naturally increases the number of hours and minutes that it is daylight we have at this particular time of our lives.

So you see it is very simple.

If you are a vampire, you may want to take extra-good care of yourself by observing some of these simple guidelines:

- Take a flask of blood to bed with you and if you feel peckish prior to sunset take sips in moderation to get you through to nightfall.
- Feed thoroughly on multiple full-hearted fresh victims the night before, this also can help to keep you from waking hungry. A shocking number of injuries occur from evening falls caused by - quite unnecessary - low blood blood sugar.
- Capture and chain up your victim near your resting place so that when you wake you can immediately "tuck in".
- If you must leave your lair before it is fully dark, wear a hat - sombreros are surprisingly effective.
- Accept that this is a stressful time; talk with your fellows about it and don't be afraid of admitting your own anxiety. You will find that you're not the only one who feels that way.
- If you find the summer solstice too upsetting, consider seasonal migration. Many have found it beneficial to spend June and July in the Southern Hemisphere and the December holiday season in the far North, thus taking full advantage of the dark hours each hemisphere has to offer. One enterprising fellow we know spent a long dark winter in Antarctica posing as an ornithology student observing penguins.
- Don't become depressed; use this time for reflection on your own immortality and when you find yourself resenting bikini-clad hotties and muscle-bound volleyball jocks bound for the beach, imagine the looks on their faces as you unsheathe your pearly fangs and descend like a vengeful wraith to suck the life from their bodies as, paralyzed, they shriek for mercy.
- Drink plenty of water.

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Many good chuckles.

- By Anonymous Anonymous, at Sat Dec 15, 05:22:00 PM GMT  

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