Six-hundred Three-score and six

So what's all this 666 Satan nonsense anyway? Is Satan even mentioned in the The Revelation of St. John the Divine? I guess he is toward the end of it. He's cast into a bottomless pit for 1000 years. Then he gets out on parole because God's got a couple jobs for him. I bet he's sick to death of being thrown into bottomless pits.

I loved the Book of Revelation when I was a semi-Christian adolescent. What semi-Christian adolescent doesn't love Revelation? Show me a semi-Christian adolescent that doesn't love the Book of Revelation and I'll show you an unusual semi-Christian adolescent. My Jewish friends - and I always seemed to have a lot of Jewish friends - were utterly fascinated:

JEWISH FRIENDS: "What? The beast? What? The seas will turn red? What? A lake of fire? You're kidding, right?"
TEEN NEAL: "No. No. It's totally a prediction of the future. And the future is now. We are living in the end times! And then the Messiah will come again!"
JEWISH FRIENDS: "Oh, the Messiah. Got you. Wait, what do you mean come AGAIN?"

And then I would cut their heads off and send them to the Pope in a cedar chest.

Ted Long, whose dad was a clergyman of some stripe, told me that he wasn't allowed to watch "The Omen" (1976) or any other movies depicting diabolical forces. Whereas my verygreat parents took me to see "The Omen" as soon as it came out. I was very young. The movie scared the hell out of me, and seeing David Warner's severed head roll and roll and roll through the air no doubt caused irreversible trauma. But I absolutely loved it. I saw the movie several times in the theater. I read the novelization. I watched it when it came to network tv.

The Revelation, the final book of the Christian Bible, is one extended William Burroughs story with a bit of Steven Spielberg thrown in. In Chapter 13 (13! oooh! scary!), it famously declares that those who enjoy numbers games might find it interesting to unlock the secret of the number employed by a type of mythological ocean beast that appears in Chapter 13. The number is six-hundred three-score and six (666 in our system of Arabic numerals). The book specifies that the number is ultimately the number of an unnamed man, though it has become a big hit throughout the world and is used as the symbol of the ocean beast's authority. This beast, which is described as the most powerful military and economic power on earth, has seen to it that no one can buy or sell anything unless they have the number either in their head or in their right hand. The Revelation doesn't say whether or not you get to choose. But I'm thinking you probably do get to choose. Most powerful entities will give you a choose between two similar options in order to maintain an illusion of a free society. I think I would choose the number on the forehead, because as long as you need the number to function in the world, why not make it easy to see? Since I store my PIN numbers in my brain, I'd like to think I'm already halfway there.

There is another beast hanging around too - a land beast. And it's got the ocean beast's back. If the ocean beast were Yoda, for example's sake, then the land beast would be Mace Windu.

Maybe that's a bad example.

How about: if the ocean beast were The Emperor, the land beast would be Darth Vader.

Still not very good.

Okay. If the ocean beast were the USA, the land beast would be Britain (or Israel). Or vice-versa maybe actually. Or maybe The World Bank? Anyway, I think you get the point.

And no, I don't think the beast really IS the USA.

Okay, sometimes I do.

But then I imagine Jesus snatching away my Bible and hitting me in the head with it and saying: "Why don't you get out of the house and go help somebody?"

I do enjoy sitting around and figuring it all out. But I think it bores Jesus to tears. Jesus didn't seem to be much of a brainteasers sort of guy. That's why the book of Revelation makes me a bit suspicious.

"I dare you to figure out the special meaning of this secret number" just doesn't seem to be in the same spirit as "Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel."

It says at the beginning of the Revelation: "Dudes, an angel showed up and told me for sure that all of the following prophecy is Jesus-approved and so it's totally true and it's a prediction of the future and so here you go."

But Homie did tell us: "Take heed that no man deceive you. For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And ye shall hear of wars and rumors of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet."

We want power. Oh, how so very much we want power! And what greater power is there than to know the future? I think that's why the Revelation has such a broad appeal - especially for the troubled teenager who has been thrown into an unfamiliar maze of personal and societal powers, and for those millions of us at war with the World, and for the nutcases like myself who feel utterly powerless or all-powerful, but rarely, humbly, in between. If only we could get that man's number (which is the number of the beast that comes out of the sea), then we would have an edge, and maybe then we'd feel safe, and maybe then we would be able to conquer our enemies and our demons and ...

And if only ...




Here's the famous Chapter 13, from the New Testament's Book of Revelation:

1 And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.

2 And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.

3 And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast.

4 And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? who is able to make war with him?

5 And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given unto him to continue forty and two months.

6 And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle, and them that dwell in heaven.

7 And it was given unto him to make war with the saints, and to overcome them: and power was given him over all kindreds, and tongues, and nations.

8 And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him, whose names are not written in the book of life of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.

9 If any man have an ear, let him hear.

10 He that leadeth into captivity shall go into captivity: he that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword. Here is the patience and the faith of the saints.

11 And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon.

12 And he exerciseth all the power of the first beast before him, and causeth the earth and them which dwell therein to worship the first beast, whose deadly wound was healed.

13 And he doeth great wonders, so that he maketh fire come down from heaven on the earth in the sight of men,

14 and deceiveth them that dwell on the earth by the means of those miracles which he had power to do in the sight of the beast; saying to them that dwell on the earth, that they should make an image to the beast, which had the wound by a sword, and did live.

15 And he had power to give life unto the image of the beast, that the image of the beast should both speak, and cause that as many as would not worship the image of the beast should be killed.

16 And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads:

17 and that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

18 Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.