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Thursday, October 06, 2005

Death Star OSHA Report

"OSHA's mission is to assure the safety and health of the Galaxy's workers by setting and enforcing standards; providing training, outreach, and education; establishing partnerships; and encouraging continual improvement in workplace safety and health."

TO: Governor Tarkin, G.M.
CC: Adm. Motti, (10 others) ...
BCC: ...

FROM: Inspectors #239, #9662, #0882 - Imperial Occupational Safety and Health Administration

Dear Governor Tarkin:

We view with grave concern the staggering systematic safety and health failures on the new Imperial battle station called the "Death Star". We regret to say we will be recommending a complete suspension of operations to address these safety concerns. And unless all the following problems are remedied within the next fiscal year, we will recommend the battle station be shut down permanently.

Our concerns include, but are not limited to, the following:


As you know, there is a case pending against the firm that designed this so-called "ultimate power in the Universe". We have received reports of at least 140 employees dying in falls which could have been prevented by the simple installation of railings and balustrades. No doubt many more falls have gone unreported. Some have complained that the cost of putting up railings throughout the station after the fact would be prohibitive. Be warned: the station WILL be shut down unless railings are installed.

It is our opinion that this drop in safety standards is a predictable result of "no bid" contracts.


Supposedly the first line of defense against intruders, the Death Star's compliment of Stormtroopers is woefully undertrained. To quote an anonymous source: "These guys can't hit the broad side of a space-barn." In one reported security incident, a dozen Stormtroopers bearing the latest issue blaster carbines, all simultaneously firing, could not hit two unarmored human targets from thirty feet away. Other anecdotal evidence has suggested that in several incidents scores of troops have died at the hands of minimally armed combatants. Employees cannot rely solely on high-tech equipment. A well-trained employee makes a safe employee.


The Death Star's planet-destroyer super-laser controls are criminally dangerous.

We are appalled that a design made it to construction which requires human Operators to stand within 3 meters of a laser beam packing 90 gigajoules/sec. Operators, in death bed interviews, reported receiving only a minimally protective hardhat and were told by superiors to shield their eyes with their hands "if the beam gets too bright for you".

Among our other concerns:

- Operators are exposed to 10,000 rem each time the super-laser is fired. Exposure to a single blast has resulted in loss of hair and teeth, 2nd degree burns, sterility, and bone marrow disintegration.

- Concern for Operator safety so lacking that Operators do not even receive gloves.

- Again, no handrails. Only a matter of time before a blinded and burned Operator stumbles into the firing shaft and is vaporized.

- Is it absolutely necessary to have controls located inside the barrel of the weapon?


Please put doors on all hangar bays.


We recognize that input from outside consultants - particularly those appointed directly by the Emperor - are vital to the success of the Imperial Strategy. However, Death Star employeees should not be expected to answer to outside consultants who are not employed by Death Star Human Resources. The issue also brings up labor union concerns, and though these are not strictly under our jurisdiction, we believe that the Command & Control structure must stay cleanly defined in order to safely operate such a complex enterprise as the Death Star.

Any intimidation of Death Star employees by these outside consultants - whether via physical or supernatural means - will not be tolerated.


The station has just become fully operational and already waste buildup has reached a condition of substantial biohazard, creating conditions which have allowed large, highly dangerous invertebrates to flourish.

We recommend:

a.) thorough fumigation, deck by deck, of the entire battle station

b.) a new sanitation system in which refuse is recycled or disposed of, instead of the current, untenable practice of garbage storage.


There are hordes of tiny four-wheeled robots weaving in and out of the dense pedestrian traffic of the Death Star's main corridors. These are an appalling accident hazard and we are shocked that this has not yet been addressed. You might as well litter the corriders with a thousand randomly placed skateboards. I understand that the new uniform requirement for knee-high boots has helped reduce ankle injuries throughout the Empire, but with these nervous little blighters zipping underfoot, repeated accidents will be unavoidable and costly.

We haven't been fully apprised as to what function these robots serve. One employee interviewed said he thought they were message couriers. What's wrong with email?


We are happy to see that this has been addressed. As stated in previous reports, we viewed with apprehension the lack of standardization in languages used on vital pieces of equipment. There was sometimes English writing printed on vital equipment amidst the standard Imperial script.

Even given a large percentage of bilingual employees, regulations state that instructional language on vital equipment must be clearly readable and easily understood in an emergency. Mixing of languages makes quick apprehension impossible.

We acknowledge your replacement of all English text with the standard Imperial script, and we hope it is an indication that more vital safety issues will be addressed forthwith.


Finally - though matters of defense are not in our purview - we feel that the open exhaust port at the end of one of the battle station's trenches (the port in question is right below the main port) is a global safety concern. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which could destroy the station. We wonder if some defense specialists should examine the location and institute protective measures. Perhaps it could be ray shielded until a permanent solution is found?

We look forward, Governor, to hearing your plan of action at the closed meeting scheduled to take place after your imminent exercise at the planet Yavin.

Yours sincerely,

- Inspectors #239, #9662, #0882 - Imperial Occupational Safety and Health Administration

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Now I get it.

Eliminate Mouse Droids is very funny!

- By Blogger Warren, at Mon Oct 10, 10:18:00 PM GMT+1  

Here's another OSHA issue for your report.

- By Anonymous Steve, at Tue Jan 30, 12:43:00 AM GMT  

Great, Steve!

I have never seen that before! Wonderful!

- By Blogger Neal Romanek, at Fri Mar 02, 09:20:00 PM GMT  

Please tell me you have seen the Family Guy Star Wars parody called Blue Harvest. They address the railing problem in there too. And the vent. If you haven't seen it to get it right now.

- By Anonymous Dan Hyland, at Sun May 24, 07:16:00 PM GMT+1  

I have yet to see "Blue Harvest". But by every indication, I must!

- By Blogger Neal Romanek, at Mon May 25, 07:15:00 PM GMT+1  

I have never read that before

- By Anonymous Cheap Edegra Online, at Fri Jun 25, 10:06:00 AM GMT+1  

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