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How To Make Art Museums Interactive

I love museums. Whom doesn’t? Museums are where we keep old stuff. It's very important to keep old stuff. if we don’t keep old stuff, how can we ever know how good our new stuff is except through by comparison?

One of the problems museums are facing in our modern age of the 21st century is that of people having so many different avenues to choose from as regards their entertainment dollar. People want stuff INTERACTIVE these days. And I’m sad to see that only a few of the museums I have lately visited are employing new interactive media technological techniques. And no more is this seen not to be the case, than in the case of the art museum.

Art museums have changed little since they first began in the days of King Arthur - large empty buildings with paintings on the walls and statues in the corners. It’s a miracle they’ve survived this long. If art museums are not to join wide-screen cinemas and opera houses as quaint but irrelevant relics of bygone erae, they must make changes. They too must join the Interactive Revolution - or as I call it the INTERUTION!

Below are some notes I took whilst perusing the world’s great art museums. I have selected problem items - of genre, artist, or artwork itself - and have provided practical solutions for each. I feel confident that my solutions to these very old problems will get museum attendance up into even the thousands per year:

Ancient Greek Statues - the new conservatism makes it certain that people will dismiss life size-statues of naked young men out of hand. Solution: dress statues in clothes by the hottest fashion designers, thereby attracting both the art and fashion afficionadi. Advertising tie in? - “Body by The Rhodes Master 367 B.C. ... clothes by Christian Dior ... ”

Still Lifes - face it, still lifes are pretty boring if you don’t appreciate the techniques the artist used to get his effects. I recommend still life paintings be set next to real life reconstructions of the actual objects depicted, so people can see how close the
artist got.

Frida Kahlo – Too serious. Lighten up. Friday nights, women get free fake mustache

Leonardo’s “Mona Lisa” – great stuff, but we’ve seen the pic over and over. Easy fix though - play continous loop of Nat King Cole singing “Mona Lisa” song.

Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel Ceiling – Same prob as Mona Lisa - everybody’s seen it. Solution: THE SERPENT - a rollercoaster that loops around the Chapel at 90 mph, allowing patrons to take in every one of Michelangelo’s masterpieces in under 2 minutes. Also gives viewers sensation of flying through the Ether with the angels. (Individual rollercoaster cars shaped like God in the Creation of Adam. Poss. safety hazard with jutting finger? - check w/Vatican Health & Safety Admin)

Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” – Yet another victim of its own success. Solution: place loudspeaker behind the painting that emits piercing human shriek every 6 to 8 minutes. Hire high-profile celebs to contribute screams? Christopher Walken? Judi Dench? That guy from the Shakespeare movie?

Jackson Pollock – first patron each day to find 10 images of cats hiding in the painting wins a prize.

Rubens’s Women – Naked chicks = great. Fat naked chicks = only so-so. Use computerized image editing to alter proportions of female nudes to current standards of female beauty. Could be a whole show exploring how beauty has improved over the centuries with before and after versions of paintings. Sponsored by Loreal or other?

Andy Warhol’s “Campbell Soup Can” – serve Campbell’s soup to patrons, so they can both look at the can AND eat soup at the same time! Everybody loves soup! Also (crazy but COOL idea) allow patrons to clean up after themselves using real Brillo pads. Obvious ad tie-ins too.

The Venus De Milo – People are put off by the notion of “ideal beauty”. I say, employ REALISM - fountains of blood continuously spurting from her severed limbs. It’s half a statue one day, a multimedia installation the next!

And that’s just the beginning!

Lantil Mybea

Wait

Greenleaves

16

747 Row

They have changed the flight paths again.

To the west lies Heathrow Airport.

When we got here, the mighty transcontinental planes were taking off over God knows where, someplace far away.

Now that has changed: well into the night and early in the morning, the grind and whoosh of double sets of turbo-fan engines passes over and passes over.

I hear a plane going over now, a low sound like someone pushing a stone casket across a wooden floor with a whine over the top of it, like Chewbacca's grandson whining for more ice cream.

This morning a British Airways 747 went over, low, banking sharply as it passed over the roof and ascended.

The Boeing 747 is one of the humankind's greatest achievements.

Words Of Advice For Young People

Neal J. Romanek's Words of Advice

for Those Planning On Dying Before Age 21

- buy a watch, but look at it only when absolutely necessary. A pocket watch is an admirable choice. It will be less distracting to you, but more interesting to your fellows. If you can find a watch that employs a 24 hour clock, instead of a 12 hour clock, that would be better.

- when someone offers you advice, listen politely for a maximum of five minutes (consult your watch). Once the five minutes have elapsed, firmly but gently stop them and ask "So are we done here?" If they agree that you are, thank them sincerely and move on. If they have more to say, give them only another 60 seconds. At the end of 60 seconds, you must leave the conversation at once. Lingering will only encourage them, and the more license they get, the more likely they will go on to bother others, and cause grievous harm with their meddlings.

- Obey your whims. Beware of the trap many fall into – obeying only the first whim and ignoring the rest. Be prepared to obey several possibly contradictory whims in rapid succession. This can be exhausting at first, but it pays dividends.

- When others fear for your safety, don't take it personally. They are reacting to shadows and fantasy. Burning their house down will help to refocus their attention.

- Now a word about sex: go at sex with all the enthusiasm you would have for model rocketry or fashion magazines, with all the gusto you would muster for the Red Sox or for rock stars. Learn the stats, the parts, the facts and figures, the best playing fields, the words to every song, and what the spring colors are. Remember, sex with yourself is a calling from the Divine, and not to be resisted. Sex with others will steepen your learning curve.

- Now a word about intoxicants: it can be very difficult, even for seasoned professionals, to distinguish between what you want and what you need. If you do not already know the difference, it is possible that you will not learn it in this lifetime. Intoxicants are also a poor substitute for dancing. On the other hand, intoxicants can give dancing an exciting spin.

- Now a word about music: rock and roll is not your only choice. Again, obey your whims.

- When someone tries to save your soul, remember that it is in fact his soul that he is trying to save. Such individuals should be treated as drowning men – pathetic but dangerous. Say to them: "I am sorry. I cannot help you." and swim clear. They are best left to the help of professionals.

- Finally, if you are unsuccessful at dying before the age of 21, do not despair. The situation is not unworkable. Many others have suffered the same indignity. Do not, as so many are tempted to do, move the date of your death back by a year or five or ten. Your unprocessed grief will only compound over the passing years, and in that time you are bound to cause substantial damage to those around you. Consider it your mission in life to find others who have similarly failed. With careful consultation amongst each other, and keeping an open mind, you will find many opportunities for victory.

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Ealing Studios

Window of Polish Catholic Church

Ode To The Primordial Sea

Ode To The Primordial Sea

This sea at the shore of seas,
Where other seas begin,
Where is conceived the great Pangaea of seas. Panthalassa!
that stretch three quarters of the way into the future,

This sea,
pubescent,
Horny and tempestuous
And desiring increase at every level,
Ingenious and bursting at the seams,
Throwing up all kinds of mad ideas,
Shimmying, shimmering with milky life,
Not yet self-conscious, unshy,
reckless
Grand-roiling stinking-green and then some,

What joyful
possibilities and probabilities
You had, before rhythm and the seasons
And the practice of five hundred million years
And filling the forms
And seeking your own level
And overthinking it

Brought you to
that staid middle age
In which the best trick
You can conjure
Is a mere blue whale.

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Fatas de Los Angeles

Body JTW-8377/os re:45/661 (per old sys.)

Martin Scorsese Countdown

Excited as I am about Martin Scorsese's new film "The Departed" (2006) - his first collaboration, not only with Jack Nicholson, but Marky Mark as well ! - I hand over the Martin Scorsese Countdown, a listing of his films from The Best to The Least Best, as I see it. Opposite of how most countdowns are performed, I know, but I go my own way, just like Martin Scorsese. There are many eerie similarities between us, you know - we are both Scorpios and neither of us has won an Oscar yet.

I've omitted the films I haven't yet seen - "Boxcar Bertha" (1972), "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore" (1974), "The Last Waltz" (1978), the documentaries, and the early short films.

I hear "Boxcar Bertha" rocks.

1. "Taxi Driver" (1976)
2. "Raging Bull" (1980)
3. "Mean Streets" (1973)
4. "Goodfellas" (1990)
5. "The Last Temptation of Christ" (1988)
6. "Casino" (1995)
7. "New York, New York" (1977)
8. "Kundun" (1997)
9. "The Aviator" (2004)
10. "The King Of Comedy" (1983)
11. "After Hours" (1985)
12. "Gangs Of New York" (2002)
13. "Bringing Out The Dead" (1999)
14. "The Color Of Money" (1986)
15. "The Age Of Innocence" (1993)
16. "Cape Fear" (1991)
17. "New York Stories: Life Lessons" (1989)

The New Backyard

12 Poems Of Joy - XII

XII

There is a kind and like-minded thing that lies beside you while you sleep.

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read all 12 Poems Of Joy

Fox

This morning, with my coffee, checking out the back window, hoping to be amused by local fauna - Cats, Squirrels, Magpies - I caught, slinking over a junction in the slat fences - like a boneless ruddy seal - a Fox.

Change

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