Ancient Greek Statues - the new conservatism makes it certain that people will dismiss life size-statues of naked young men out of hand. Solution: dress statues in clothes by the hottest fashion designers, thereby attracting both the art and fashion afficionadi. Advertising tie in? - “Body by The Rhodes Master 367 B.C. ... clothes by Christian Dior ... ”
Still Lifes - face it, still lifes are pretty boring if you don’t appreciate the techniques the artist used to get his effects. I recommend still life paintings be set next to real life reconstructions of the actual objects depicted, so people can see how close the
Frida Kahlo – Too serious. Lighten up. Friday nights, women get free fake mustache
Leonardo’s “Mona Lisa” – great stuff, but we’ve seen the pic over and over. Easy fix though - play continous loop of Nat King Cole singing “Mona Lisa” song.
Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel Ceiling – Same prob as Mona Lisa - everybody’s seen it. Solution: THE SERPENT - a rollercoaster that loops around the Chapel at 90 mph, allowing patrons to take in every one of Michelangelo’s masterpieces in under 2 minutes. Also gives viewers sensation of flying through the Ether with the angels. (Individual rollercoaster cars shaped like God in the Creation of Adam. Poss. safety hazard with jutting finger? - check w/Vatican Health & Safety Admin)
Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” – Yet another victim of its own success. Solution: place loudspeaker behind the painting that emits piercing human shriek every 6 to 8 minutes. Hire high-profile celebs to contribute screams? Christopher Walken? Judi Dench? That guy from the Shakespeare movie?
Jackson Pollock – first patron each day to find 10 images of cats hiding in the painting wins a prize.
Rubens’s Women – Naked chicks = great. Fat naked chicks = only so-so. Use computerized image editing to alter proportions of female nudes to current standards of female beauty. Could be a whole show exploring how beauty has improved over the centuries with before and after versions of paintings. Sponsored by Loreal or other?
Andy Warhol’s “Campbell Soup Can” – serve Campbell’s soup to patrons, so they can both look at the can AND eat soup at the same time! Everybody loves soup! Also (crazy but COOL idea) allow patrons to clean up after themselves using real Brillo pads. Obvious ad tie-ins too.
The Venus De Milo – People are put off by the notion of “ideal beauty”. I say, employ REALISM - fountains of blood continuously spurting from her severed limbs. It’s half a statue one day, a multimedia installation the next!
- buy a watch, but look at it only when absolutely necessary. A pocket watch is an admirable choice. It will be less distracting to you, but more interesting to your fellows. If you can find a watch that employs a 24 hour clock, instead of a 12 hour clock, that would be better.
- when someone offers you advice, listen politely for a maximum of five minutes (consult your watch). Once the five minutes have elapsed, firmly but gently stop them and ask "So are we done here?" If they agree that you are, thank them sincerely and move on. If they have more to say, give them only another 60 seconds. At the end of 60 seconds, you must leave the conversation at once. Lingering will only encourage them, and the more license they get, the more likely they will go on to bother others, and cause grievous harm with their meddlings.
- Obey your whims. Beware of the trap many fall into – obeying only the first whim and ignoring the rest. Be prepared to obey several possibly contradictory whims in rapid succession. This can be exhausting at first, but it pays dividends.
- When others fear for your safety, don't take it personally. They are reacting to shadows and fantasy. Burning their house down will help to refocus their attention.
- Now a word about sex: go at sex with all the enthusiasm you would have for model rocketry or fashion magazines, with all the gusto you would muster for the Red Sox or for rock stars. Learn the stats, the parts, the facts and figures, the best playing fields, the words to every song, and what the spring colors are. Remember, sex with yourself is a calling from the Divine, and not to be resisted. Sex with others will steepen your learning curve.
- Now a word about intoxicants: it can be very difficult, even for seasoned professionals, to distinguish between what you want and what you need. If you do not already know the difference, it is possible that you will not learn it in this lifetime. Intoxicants are also a poor substitute for dancing. On the other hand, intoxicants can give dancing an exciting spin.
- Now a word about music: rock and roll is not your only choice. Again, obey your whims.
- When someone tries to save your soul, remember that it is in fact his soul that he is trying to save. Such individuals should be treated as drowning men – pathetic but dangerous. Say to them: "I am sorry. I cannot help you." and swim clear. They are best left to the help of professionals.
- Finally, if you are unsuccessful at dying before the age of 21, do not despair. The situation is not unworkable. Many others have suffered the same indignity. Do not, as so many are tempted to do, move the date of your death back by a year or five or ten. Your unprocessed grief will only compound over the passing years, and in that time you are bound to cause substantial damage to those around you. Consider it your mission in life to find others who have similarly failed. With careful consultation amongst each other, and keeping an open mind, you will find many opportunities for victory.
This sea at the shore of seas,
Where other seas begin,
Where is conceived the great Pangaea of seas. Panthalassa!
that stretch three quarters of the way into the future,
Horny and tempestuous
And desiring increase at every level,
Ingenious and bursting at the seams,
Throwing up all kinds of mad ideas,
Shimmying, shimmering with milky life,
Not yet self-conscious, unshy,
Grand-roiling stinking-green and then some,
possibilities and probabilities
You had, before rhythm and the seasons
And the practice of five hundred million years
And filling the forms
And seeking your own level
And overthinking it
Brought you to
that staid middle age
In which the best trick
You can conjure
Is a mere blue whale.