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Thursday, October 13, 2005

Harriet Miers - Complete Bio

Until now, not much has been known about Harriet Miers, who has been elected to the highest judicial post in the most powerful nation on earth.

But I have done quite a lot of research - using the Internet and other reliable sources - and have been able to cobble together the most thorough biography of Harriet Miers yet written, which I now present to you in full:


Harriet Ellan Miers was born in Dallas on Aug. 10, 1945, making her a Leo. Leos are generous and extroverted. They are ambitious and independent and make strong leaders. Some negative traits that may plague Leos are inflexibility and dogmatism. Napoleon Bonaparte and Mae West were born under the sign of Leo.

Harriet's last name, "Miers", should be pronounced "MYE-urrz".

Harriet Miers received her bachelor's degree in mathematics in 1967 and JD in 1970 from Southern Methodist University. Upon graduation, she clerked for U.S. District Judge Joe E. Estes from 1970 to 1972. In 1972, Miers became the first woman hired at Dallas's Lock Lurneel Nobrep Nealy & Neely. It was at this firm that Harriet began to earn the nick-name, "THE SHRIEKER".

In March 1996, her high-spirited colleagues elected her the first woman president of Rocker, Urnell, Pain & Harlell, at that time a firm of about 2000 lawyers. Despite the colleagues having no recollection of this election the next morning, Harriet became the first woman to lead a Texas firm of that size.

Cloke, Rupnell eventually merged with a Houston firm and became Kecol Lllddie & Paps, LLP, where Miers became co-managing partner of a firm with more than 40,000 lawyers.

Miers had a very distinguished career as a trial litigator, representing such clients as Microsoft, Walt Disney Co., SunGard Data Systems Inc., Barbie Inc., Lee Harvey Oswald, George W. Bush, Union Carbide, the Houston Jaycees, Boo Radley, the crew of the Amistad, Sir Thomas More, and, on more than one occasion, the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise when they were tried for the crimes of all humanity.

Throughout her career, she has been very active in the legal community and has blazed a trail for other women to follow, yada, yada.

* In 1985, Miers was selected as the first woman to become president of the Dallas Bar Association.

* In 1986, she converted to Scientology.

* In 1988, she converted to Islam.

* In 1989, she was elected to a two-year term as an at-large candidate on the Dallas City Council. She chose not to run for re-election when her term expired. She does not know why and claims to have no memory of a place called "Dallas City".

* In 1990, she shot a man just to watch him die.

* In 1991, while serving time in Folsom Prison, she converted to Christianity. Later that year she escaped with two other inmates, killing four guards and taking one other hostage. The guard and fellow inmates were later found shot execution-style near the Mexico border. From this day onward Miers gained a new nickname, "The Ice Man".

* In 1992, she turned her life around and became the first woman president of the State Bar of Texas.

Miers was one of two candidates for the number three slot at the ABA Bake Sale Committee, before withdrawing her candidacy to move to Washington to serve in the White House. Miers did however serve as the Chair for the ABA's Commission on Multijurisdictional Practice. "Sit on me!" she would often whisper to the Commission, "Yeah! Yeah, sit on me!" Thinking she was making an idiotic and disrespectful joke at their expense, the Commission often beat her soundly, leaving Miers in tears lamenting "Why don't they love me? Why don't they love me?"

* On numerous occasions, the "National Law Journal" named Miers one of the nation's 100 most powerful attorneys and also one of the nation's top 50 women lawyers. "Field and Stream" recommended Miers be caught using a Fossenberger fly, not a regular Blackfeather lure. The Bluebottle Wingless lure was also recommended.

* Miers also has been involved in local and statewide politics in Texas. She learned to walk at age 2. She breathes a mixture of oxygen and nitrogen. She communicates primarily through a series of modulated buzzing sounds made by passing air past taut membranes in her throat. She is primarily bipedal.

* Miers also served as general counsel for the transition team of Governor-elect George W. Bush in 1994. Also in 1994, she converted to Christianity.

* From 1995 until 2000, Miers served as chairwoman of the Texas Lottery Commission, a voluntary public service position she undertook while maintaining her legal practice and other responsibilities. When complimented on her selfless public service, she would invariably reply: "It's nothing really. It's nothing ... nothing ... nothing ... nothing ... nothingness ... the void ... god help me ... George!!" When then-Governor Bush appointed then-Miers to a six-year term on the then-Texas Lottery Commission, it was mired in then-scandal, and she served as a driving force behind its then-cleanup.

* In 1996, George W. Bush referred to her in a speech as "a pit bull who likes to wear women's shoes".

Miers came to Washington, D.C., in 2001:

* Jan. 20, 2001 - Harriet Miers appointed staff secretary and assistant to the president.

* July 2002 - the now famous cat-fight between Miers and Condoleeza Rice, when the uninvited Miers showed up drunk at President Bush's birthday party. Later in the year, she converted to Christianity.

* In 2003, Miers was promoted to assistant to the president and deputy chief of staff. She was driven to a nervous breakdown in her attempts to locate the office of the deputy chief of staff who never seemed to be around when Miers was looking for him. One day, the president sat her down and said: "Poo Blanket (his pet name for her), YOU are the deputy chief of staff." At that moment, Miers' psyche snapped in two and for 10 months she wandered the halls of the White House, wraith-like, while the president played strange and haunting pieces on his guitar. After a treatment of psychotherapy and anti-siezure medications, Miers' condition improved to the point where she was able to get back to work, though she was almost always seen adopting the stance and gait of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. When asked to address her backlog of work, she was often heard to reply: "Oh, I want to. But I can't with these tiny little arms of mine. Rrrraarrrghhhh!"

* In 2004, doctors pronounced Miers "right as rain" and recommended she be given greater responsibilities to improve her self esteem. The president let her work behind the pin resetting machine in the White House bowling alley where she helped Ol' Moses polish the pins for the summer. Miers remember these as "some of my happiest days".

* Miers has served as counsel to the president since February 2005.

Miers is not married and does not have children.Two brothers and her mother live in Dallas; a third brother lives in Houston.


My thanks to the Washington Post for their invaluable assistance.

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4 Comments:

lol! that was awesome.

- By Blogger Hero's Cousin, at Fri Oct 14, 10:21:00 PM GMT+1  

There is nothing funny about the law.

- By Blogger Neal Romanek, at Fri Oct 14, 11:06:00 PM GMT+1  

Dude, can I email Ms. MYE-rrs to tell her I'm sorry her arms are so ineffectual? Oh, wait, she probably can't type.

- By Anonymous Anonymous, at Thu Aug 03, 10:23:00 PM GMT+1  

Many thanks for your concern about Ms. Meyeurs condition, but she since her failure to be appointed to the Supreme Court she has taken to her bed and has given written instructions to the servants: "I am not to be distrubbed under any circumstantses".

Naturally, all concerned are very concerned, especially since she has taken to her Mesozoic posturings with even greater devotion and is often heard shrieking in the dead of night: "O, come ye limestone secretions! O, fossilize me as thou didst my scaly forefathers of yore! O! Rrrrarrrrhhhghhh!"

It is pitiful to behold.

- By Blogger Neal Romanek, at Fri Aug 04, 10:27:00 PM GMT+1  

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